Redemption of the Self

I've thought a lot lately about my friends both here and there... I've thought about the ones I still talk to regularly, the ones I never speak with unfortunately and the ones that I can pick up right where we left off even if we haven't spoken in months/years.  

I've blogged about it before but I really do hope that anyone who reads this, stops... and listens to The Avett Brothers - "The Perfect Space" .... sometimes I hear a song that stops me in my tracks and makes me hope that if I had to choose a song to be played at my funeral that my friends/fam would choose it... This is THAT song.  Morbid? Maybe.   But it is THAT song. 

To me, it's a song of redemption.   A song of forgiving who you were and loving who you've become. 

"I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become and not the man that I was."

More and more I notice that the friends that have remained... the friends I've kept so to speak .... are the ones that have continued to grow.  The ones that regardless of whatever rough spots we've endured, love me for who I am and who I continue to grow to be.  The me that is ever changing.  And I love them the same way.   I cherish the friends that test my views and voice their convictions but still accept me regardless.  

I've lost a lot of friends from college... something that has been hard for me to grasp.  I still do the occasional facebook message but never rarely receive a response.  I'm learning to accept it.  I grew one way and they grew the other.  It's just unfortunate that the friendship couldn't be salvaged due to those differences.  

Recently, I had a friend go through some major changes in her life.  I saw her grow as a woman and as a human being and I saw her relish every inch of life.  It was inspiring and exciting to see her grab life by both hands and jump in.  The other day, I messaged her to let her know how proud I am of her and how happy I am that she's discovered her potential and is following her dreams full force.  She responded to me:  "You are a big inspiration to me in terms of just living my life.  Hope you know that."

I was floored... I cried to be honest.  

It was surprising to hear that from someone who I feel is writing the book on living the life you desire.  I was honored.  

I realize now that some people choose not to grow.  They remain comforted with the same old thing, never reaching out for something new.  And the friends that remain are the ones that grew.... and continue to grow.  I took a big leap of faith when I moved to Utah after only seeing J 4 times ever.... but it worked out better than I could have ever imagined! Blindly following my heart and leaving everyone/everything I knew was beyond difficult.  I spent the first full year having a really hard time with so few friends and feeling completely displaced.  But I knew it was worth it.  Because J was worth it.  The friends that disagreed with my decision pushed me away... and I let them.   I didn't try to hold on to them because I was angry that they fought against my decision and what I feel was my "growth."  Who knows, maybe they felt threatened?  I've been there.  I've been the one that grasped onto everything and refused to let go.  Afraid of the change and afraid of the what ifs.  But I've learned so much since I decided to move forward and not be afraid of the journey.  To be able to look back at your life and truly know it was EXACTLY what you wanted it to be... that is the true gift, and that is what I hope to say someday. 

This song is that.  So to all my friends who have an amazing journey before you... I love you!  And I cherish you more than you know :)

"I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain."