jump in...

Today at work, my boss and I spent 2 hours in a car driving out to "boondocks," Oklahoma and back. Along the way, we basically caught up on the other's life and talked about the various things that have made us who we are. While talking about one of the subjects I've been struggling with, she said to me "If you knew that you were going to die within the next year, what would your decision be?"

I told her what anyone would answer to such a question, "I'd go for it, let it all out there, and jump in."

She laughed and said "Exactly! But how do you know when God will decide it's your time? Why hold back and let life pass you by? You'll never achieve anything by sitting back and waiting for it to happen."

I told her I agreed obviously but that it's a lot harder when decisions mean you could lose everything… and rock bottom is never somewhere you want to send yourself.

It's crazy how such a simple statement hit me so hard. Why waste time watching your life pass you by. Opportunities are gifts from God and it's your choice whether or not you act on them. And if it ends in failure, at least you know you gave it your best shot and you won't spend your entire life wondering "what if?" I'd rather have a lifetime of failures then a lifetime of things i wish i had done. Failures build character and make success that much sweeter.

swept away...

I've come to a point in my life where things that used to be the complicated aspects of life have taken a back burner. It's amazing how much people change from 21 to 23, etc. I've come to a time in my life where I can better relate to my sister who is 27 than I can relate to many of my old friends.

Within the past 2 months or so I came to a realization about my so-called "love life."

I've spent my entire childhood dreaming for a fairytale… for a modern day white knight to come and whisk me off my feet. As I got older and faced reality, I realized that this was an unobtainable goal and a matter for the imagination. So I settled. I settled for the "what if's", the "maybe he will change" and the "he's the best I can get." Basically I settled for being cheated on, being dumped, being emotionally battered and losing myself along the way. I settled for the idea that I SHOULD be in a relationship rather than that I wanted to be. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a relationship girl all the way, but I've finally come to the realization that commitment doesn't mean you have to give up yourself. Many of my friends struggle with this, just as much as I did. They don't want to let go, because the person may "miss them" or "change" or come back and realize they were wrong.

It's weird how life throws curve balls and we're sitting there hoping that at least our bat will make contact. My friends are split right down the middle. Half are newly single, trying to face a world they haven't seen in 2 years or more… the other half are engaged, ring shopping, or married. Out of my entire extended family, I am the only one not married except for a 20-year-old cousin. (You can imagine the number of questions I get about it during the holidays.)

My friends have told me that I've given them hope about break-ups because they've never seen someone deal with a break-up as well as I did with my most recent ex. They ask me how I could just move on and not look back. And how I had the strength to tell him no each time he would ask me on a date or tell me he had made a mistake. Each time they question me about it, I turn around and question them: "Why?"

Why would I want to be with someone that broke my heart and treated me as he did? I gave second chances during the relationship and I'm done giving any more. I shouldn't have to "settle" for someone who couldn't even decide if he wanted to be with me… and when he decided he did, it was too late. I don't want to be with someone who had to "decide" or "think about it." Life is too short to wait on people who "don't know," when someone else wouldn't have a doubt in their mind.

I recently found that I have a response to the infamous question: "Why are you still single?"…. I used to make up excuses or laugh and joke around it… but now, I look them straight in the eye, smile and say, "Because I'm waiting to be swept off my feet." They always smile back and tell me that's the best reason they could have heard.

Truth is: I've returned… I returned to the idea that life is too short to waste your time on an "idea" of someone. I returned to the idea that some people you just can't get enough of because "it's" there naturally. I've returned to the idea that there are people that every time you talk to, you find a bit of yourself. I've returned to the fairytale I held as a little girl. Because when it comes to the rest of your life, why would anyone settle?


… and if all else fails, there's always eHarmony right? :)

ramble on...

If wrinkles must be written upon our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old.
-James A. Garfield

A British company named Compound Security Systems is now marketing a ringtone referred to as the Mosquito tone. It is such a high pitched sound that adults are not supposed to be able to hear it. After all the years of blaring music from my Walkman, Discman and now iPod- I was worried that my ears would be too damaged to hear it. I passed the test, it's quite an annoying squeal. Thank God I'm not that old yet.

Recently I came to the realization that I am in fact 23. Not just the number but the state of life that's associated with such an age. It's amazing how time flies. It's weird how you spend your entire life thinking about growing older and what each coming year has to offer, only to get to that next year and realize it's nothing monumental.

When I was a kid, I remember watching Saved by the Bell and thinking Wow! Theyre so old! and this was in the Miss Bliss days (if you were an avid watcher like me, you know these episodes were much more on the boring side then the episodes with The Sprain, Zac Attack, or the unforgettable "I'm so so SCARED!" by Ms. Showgirls herself) . As the show progressed and they grew up, I remember thinking I cant wait til I'm that age! Then when the Saved by the Bell college years came on, college seemed forever away and I remember thinking that by the time I got to college I would have my life figured out and would be on some destined path where the rest of my life would be some sort of happily ever after. Wow was I WAY off! Growing up, fairytales are embedded within us from every corner of life. We grow up surrounded by tales of princesses, perfection and true love. Where the person with the best intentions and the truest heart always finds pure happiness and the villains get what's coming to them.


When is it that we come to the realization that humor is often the façade of fear? When people are more interested in outdoing each other then listening to what one another has to say? When being different goes from making you the outcast to something admirable and sought out?

At the beginning of our lives we spend each day in anticipation to be older and be given more freedom. 16 - and the freedom of the open road. 18 - and the freedom to have a say in the rulings of our lives. 21 - and the freedom to not only drink legally but to supply yourself with alcohol. When is the infinite switch? The time you suddenly look to the past, the good old days, the way back whens that plague our parents. The days when youll say, "when I was your age" or "remember when..." When is it that people that were your peers are now those freaking annoying kids that won't put their phone on silent during the movie?

When does it become unacceptable to enjoy snacking on fruit loops, playing pranks, and dancing around in the rain? When do things that are now such common occurrences become signs of immaturity? Is it such a terrible thing to hope that I will never give up those things? That when I see my girlfriends when Im 60, we'll still booty dance out of excitement and drink martinis.

It's weird to come to a part of life when you realize that you're old stomping ground is now unrecognizable and that you're an outsider among familiar faces. When the people who you could never shock with anything and knew every aspect of your personality become awkward. When silences between friends are no longer comfortable affirmations of sincerity but are pauses between searches for topics. When do you reach the realization that many of your friends are only friends of convenience or are merely friendships based solely on activities?

Many of my friends tell me I'm weird. But why is that? Why isn't it just me? I'll be the first to tell you that I am the least likely person to follow any sort of fashion. (I find most of it to be insignificant in the scheme of my life. Not for everyone, but for me. Everyone has their niche in life and fashion is definitely not mine ) But does that make me weird? My friends will tell you that I am the most fashionably challenged person they know but hey I still LOVE black and brown together! :) The fact that I hate almost all popular magazines because they print pointless trash about peoples lives, does this make me weird? What about the fact that I love to bust a move to the bubble-gum pop of the 90s but at the same time, am obsessed with hard rock and long guitar solos? (Music that my roomie once lovingly referred to as "Kill-yourself-screamo-shit")

People always seem to tell me that I surprise them. Why? Because people stereotype into whatever place you think that person should fit. Its natural. I actually find it amusing to learn peoples first impression of who I am: the ditzy blonde. the party girl. the shy girl. the mute. the sorority girl. the cheerleader. the christian goody-goody. and even the groupie.


Since graduation, I've become very aware of how much I've lived in a bubble my entire life. It's great to step outside the box, expand your horizons, give people the benefit of the doubt, and entirely throw yourself out there. I don't wanna grow old and I figure, no matter how old I get, I don't really ever have to :)


Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
~Mark Twain

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
~Samuel Ullman