Thirty. The decade of discovery is coming to an end
and the decade of adulthood is right around the corner. At least, that’s how I feel. In less than a month I will be the BIG
3-0.
30. Wrapping my head
around 30 has been tough. The twenties
have been a decade of learning, growing, changing, screwing up, screwing
around, and living life with the idea that… well … I still have time.
Time to make the wrong decisions. Time to discover myself. Time to chase silly dreams. Time to explore life.
I saw this TED talk
by Dr. Meg Jay called “Why 30 is not the new 20” … and it hit me hard. You can watch it here: http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html
I HIGHLY recommend you watch it. I wish this TED Talk would have been a staple
of my 20th birthday. Like
your driver’s test at 16. You’re 20?!
Watch this NOW!
Several things she said hit me on a level that I can’t explain. She vocalized things that I didn’t know how
to express. The 20s – a decade to
prepare your life for your future.
30 always seemed REAL.
Real as in, set. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be
solid in the foundation of the rest of my future. I would ideally be a younger version of my
parents. I’d have the dream house, the
car, the set in stone career, the family of my own.
I don’t think I ever considered that my parents had numerous
houses that came one at a time, spread over 40 years of marriage and each one
was their “dream” at the time they bought it.
The standard I set for my 30s was about 25 years too early but I was
somehow right on track with my stepping stones.
Our house is small and old, but it is exactly what we sought out when we
started looking. I no longer have that
red convertible, but I have the exact middle-income economy car I set my mind
to. They aren’t my “dreams” items but
they are what I “dreamt.”
The twenties are a time to discover yourself… but that means
discovering yourself while creating an identity. Twenties isn’t a time to just throw away all
responsibility, it’s a time to create Identity Capital.
A couple parts of the talk were perfectly stated expressions
of two major points of my twenties: Finding
a Partner and Exploration.
In college I had a boyfriend that was perfect… perfect for
college that is. He was the Rush Chair
for his fraternity, then the Social Chair for his fraternity and then the
fraternity President. Basically his job
was planning the best parties and making sure that everyone had plenty of
fun. He was perfect for that
scenario. We talked about marriage
because, well, that was the next step.
You graduate college, get married, start Career, have babies,
retire.
What a plan that was. Seems so dumb now that marriage was more of a
stepping stone. He was the worst partner
I could have chosen for my life. But at
21, surrounded by sorority sisters where my biggest decision was what Date
Party gift I should make…. I didn’t have a clue.
When my husband and I started dating, we started couples
counseling. Growing up in the “south” the
idea of counseling was a sign of weakness.
A sign that something was
wrong. With my husband, that wasn’t the
case. It was a sign that you wanted to
grow. And that you wanted to make sure
that growth was in a positive, loving direction. We went through more counseling before we got
married then after. And it was the best
decision we could have ever made. It
gave us the tools to deal with life as a couple. As partners.
Together. We talk all the time,
how we would never be where we are today if we didn’t go through all the
counseling we’ve done (and still sporadically do)over the past 7 years.
The second part of her talk that really struck me was Exploration. She discusses the negatives of huddling
together with the same group of people.
Not investing in outsiders is not investing in yourself. Or your
identity. Take chances and reach
outside your comfort zone.
In college, I huddled around my comfort zone of female
friends. At my university, the Greek
system was HUGE. As in, EVERYTHING. Or so I was told. I clung to my small group of about 10 sorority
sisters. I regret that decision ALL the
time. I should have branched out. But I was scared. I was thriving in my little comfort zone
bubble. I should have branched out to the
other 83 girls living in my sorority house with me… or heck, the other 200 or so girls in my sorority in
general. I especially should have branched out to other people on campus. I
should have. But I didn’t. I don’t have much to show for that time of my
life socially. The girls I thought were
lifelong friends never answer my calls.
When I moved out of state, only two of those girls stayed in
touch. And although we just keep in
touch through our blogs, facebook, and instagram, I care about them and their
journey in life… and am so thankful that they care about mine. The rest stayed where they always were… as “activity
friends”… I just didn’t see it then.
I realized that the majority of friends I made in college
that were caring and supportive friends AFTER
graduation were males. They cared
about my journey and life and vice versa.
But as we all found our partners in life, those friendships went by the
wayside. Which I think was necessary and
predictable.
I regret not using the college atmosphere to grow more in my
identity. I should have done that study
abroad program. I should have joined the
club I was scared to join. I should have
spent more time outside of class learning from the professors I valued. I should have taken advantage of having
26,000 peers at my fingertips. They
always say hindsight is 20/20.
I at least feel like I made up for that after
graduating. I moved out of state a year
later which was a whole new form of identity exploration. I lived a year in Utah, a year in Vegas, and
then came back to Utah. I met so many
people and made so many friends. But
these friends were on a whole different level.
They were meeting mid-20s me… not fresh-out-of-high-school-time-to-drink-a-beer-me. Living in 2 states where I had no background
was difficult. I didn’t run into
childhood friends at the grocery story.
I didn’t have that “I know so-and-so” moment. I didn’t have my high school friends I could
call when I needed a ride from the airport or wanted to grab lunch. I didn’t have my family when I needed a
hug. I was just me. By
myself. Making a new identity and
growing into who I am today.
It was rough. It was
exciting. It was new.
It changed my perspective on all sort of beliefs. Changed my political affiliation. Strengthened my faith. Created new passions. Solidified my identity. And it was worth every second.
As I enter my 30s, there are things I wish I could
change. Things I wish I would have
explored or taken advantage of. But with
those comes the lesson to always continue to grow. To live outside your comfort zone. To adapt, to change, to explore, to have
fun, to love, and to cherish every day we are given.
So here’s to you,
Thirty. Let’s get this decade started. We have a whole new journey ahead and I can’t
wait to get started!
