My Make-Believe Mecca

Being sick all week resulted in one major thing.... too much thinking. Feeling like crap and laying in bed for days made me into an over-thinking stresscase. I got my official call this week to let me know that our company didn't get the contract so my unemployment is definite. (Shocker! ...rolling the eyes). In a previous post I stated that I currently make $270 under what my half of our bills are every month. oh the joys of unemployment. J picks up my slack whenever possible but for the most part, I am feeling the stress to every extent of the word.

I'm reverting back to our poor experience in Vegas and relearning how to live off Ramen/tortillas/cheese/cereal. I don't go to the eye doctor, dentist or gyno (TMI?) even though I'm about 6 months, 2 years and 4 years overdue respectively. I've become somewhat of a hermit and get anxiety at the idea of leaving the house because that would inevitably result in spending money somewhere for something that I'll then stress over for the next few days wondering if that Dr. Pepper was really worth it or is that hair product really necessary.... you get the idea. It's a vicious cycle. Basically, I'm a walking ball of budgets and stress.

RELAX. I know right? This is life. This is what happens to people everyday and I need to get over it. I'm helping a few different friends during the week to keep myself busy and my mind off the situation. But I can't help but wonder, am I being too picky with my job hunt? Since graduating college I've had 6 jobs. Only two of these jobs were stationed at a desk. The rest were out in the field... interacting/promoting/creating/marketing/selling/building relationships/and overall just having a heck of a time. I love being out in the world. I love being in my car and spending the day interacting with people who rely on me for various reasons. That's what I want. That's my Mecca, if you will. But is it worth the wait?

I flew in to Oklahoma two days earlier than J since I have the free time. When my parents picked me up from the airport, they asked how the job hunt is going.

To be honest, I hate this question. Don't get me wrong, I love that people care enough to ask but I hate the assumptions associated with it. I don't think people realize that job searching to me means applying for at least 25 jobs a month but usually ends up being more around 50. Since starting my job hunt back in August, (before I even got laid off but had a hunch it might happen), I've applied for probably 450 positions. This is not even an exaggeration... I apply for every job on careerbuilder even remotely close to what I want to do until there are no jobs left to apply for... then 7 days later I do it again with all new posts. I'm relentless.

I told them it was fine, but I'm getting one rejection after another. Most posts are now saying a Master's Degree is preferred or Required. For instance, the job that I CREATED statewide for a company in Oklahoma had the same position available at a place here in Salt Lake... I got denied. Why? "I'm not qualified" ... Masters Degree. Awesome. Since when did a Masters Degree become necessary for jobs in the $30,000 range. My dad suggested I go back to school. Get loans and get it knocked out in just over a year. I told them I felt it was a waste of time that would cost me some much needed dough, only to end up back where I am without a clue in the world about what I really want to do.

Then they got really smart and all parent-like and said "Well what is it you want to do?" ... I felt dumb. Like I was five years old again and my mom was asking why I felt the need to take all her lovely plants and rip them up. I couldn't tell her my make-believe stew needed the ingredients or my make-believe birds wouldn't eat it.

The sad part is, I don't have an answer. I like being out in the world and making people happy. Can that be a job? Can I just get paid for that? J and I have talked many times about my ideal job... I would love to be able to give presents to people. That is my ideal job. To just have an endless supply of money so I can surprise people with gifts all day long! I have imagined it many times! Flying this person to this place, giving this person that much needed thing, paying off this person's mortgage so they would never have to worry about it again, etc.

I know I know, that idea is about as realistic as my bird stew.

But it's the truth. I have nothing that I admire to be. I just always want to be the very best, hardest working employee for whatever I'm doing but that's not an aspiration to live up to or get excited about.

Back to my parents and their parent-like questions, my mom said, "well if you could do college over, what would you have had as your major?" . . . I said without thinking..... Archaeology. I know, you're probably laughing. But it just popped out. Damn Bird Stew all over again.

It was true though. I have always had a passion for archaeology and paleontology. It started by my dad encouraging me in my digs underneath our trampoline because I swore to him that I was determined to find some Dino bones under there! It's resulted in me watching every documentary I can find, relishing in any movie on the subjects and reading every article I can find. It's stupid though, I know. About as realistic as a 30 year old man deciding it's time to be that Astronaut. Bring it on NASA!

So anyways, after admitting to them that I know that's a crap shoot... I explained my adult-like ideas like A) International Business where I would want to work for the government overseas or B) Physical Therapy... because... well, I had my fair share of sessions growing up and always admired them.

So now what. Too late to start over and not enough funds to start again. Our proud little savings is down to supporting us for only two months and there is no relief in sight.... YET. I feel the need to throw in that little YET. I have hope. I do. But deciding what defines me as a profession is hard. A while ago, I bit the bullet and even started applying for office management positions at medical offices. Still nothing.

Any advice or inspiration on this matter would be GREATLY appreciated. (Especially if you actually took the time to read this whole darn post) ;)


On a lighter note, my husband sent me this link today.... and MAN, I needed it :)