Who? Who? Who Who Who?
Don't pretend like you didn't just sing that in your head. Because you know you did. I am sure you are wondering why in the world I would reference such a horrid song as the title of this post... Well folks, it is time for my ten year reunion! That's right. 10 freakin years. How did that fly by so fast?
I am part of the planning committee for this Bulldog reunion so it has been an ongoing process for the past several months. With that being said, I wanted to focus a post on who I was my senior year in high school and how I feel about that girl today. This is the most serious post that I have written in a while... but this blog is my time capsule ...thus it needs to be written.
Enter fall 2001 - Spring 2002:
Senior Year. I was both thrilled and terrified. Most of my male friends had graduated last spring so I felt like I was entering school with only half my friend base. But, I still had 9 lovely females to experience senior year and all its glory. I was still painfully shy and serving my second year on Varsity Cheer. There is a type of unspoken entitlement that I think comes with being a senior. You watch the seniors "rule the school" for years. Then it's your chance. You finally understand why those seniors were pissed off when you were dating the "upperclassman" or infiltrating their parties. It's your year. Your time to shine before you embark on whatever journey is next.
I loved being a senior. I loved being the older girl on the cheer squad and enjoyed doing things with the juniors who were on Varsity. Several of them ended up feeling like a little sister and I enjoyed taking the older sister position. I enjoyed trying to set them up with boys in my grade. And I enjoyed dishing my extra year of wisdom upon them.
However, when I think about my senior year, most of it has nothing to do with school. I had a boyfriend. He was THE boyfriend. I was convinced that this was it for me. That he was it for me. He was a year older and already in his freshman year at college. He was a disease. Dramatic but honest.
I was a member of 2 competitive cheer squads and my Varsity school squad. Which meant I had almost no free time. What little free time I had, I spent with this disease. He was charming, good looking, and most importantly always putting me down to feel like he was all I could get.
I learned to lie. To my friends. To my parents. I learned to lie to everyone except him. Because I needed to defend him. And the lie was inevitably better than whatever truth we were currently enduring.
I learned that trust was just a theory. After months of fighting because he refused to go to prom with me but wouldn't let me go stag or with any of my guy friends, he finally accepted my invitation. I paid of course. But the kicker was that he slept with another girl the week before prom. And told me about it 2 days before. Oh, we went to prom. And I "had" a fantastic time with the smiling photos to show for it. Only to have him proposition my best friend at the after party. Winner, this guy was.
I learned that facades are everything. To "put on a face" and not let anyone know what was really going on. I used to carry my makeup with me 24/7 because an all-out fight was bound to happen and I would inevitably have to make myself look like I hadn't been crying. We would fight with such intensity that I would mentally black out and not have a clue what my side of the argument even was.
I learned to be paranoid. And assume the world's goal was to break us up. I had teachers and counselors at school confront me in the hallway after they had spent some weeks overhearing him screaming at me through my cellphone. I had my parents start enforcing super strict rules to try to get me away from him.
I learned that weight leads to judgement. Around the same time, I quit drinking Dr. Pepper. I went from 8 to 12 cans per day to just one can. Needless to say, I dropped a bunch of weight and weighed 103lbs. He was convinced that the weight loss was me preparing to date other guys and would weigh me constantly. We would sit on his couch and he would feed me full of Chile's, ranch dressing and junk food... determined to fatten me up.
Over the years, I looked back at that relationship and where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have tried to justify the actions, put the blame on myself exclusively and assume my memory isn't accurate. All of this debate just reminds me of the grip the whole situation had on me. Yes, I understand that half of the situation was my own fault. I could have walked away. I chose not to.
In hindsight, I think I'm both proud and sad for who I was back then. I am sad that I had so little self-esteem that a relationship as torrential as ours was the best I thought I had. More than that, I thought it was what I deserved. I am sad that I let the whole situation spiral so desperately out of control and that it took away from what I should have been doing: enjoying my friends.
I am also proud of who I was. I was strong for where I was at the time. There were times I could have let go and ended everything but something told me not to. I was strong to finally end the relationship with such definity that the years of lies that followed were merely nips at my heels.
It's weird to think about going back to see all those people from my senior year. To know that I no longer am hiding anything, making excuses or feeling embarrassed. Sure, I'm still shy sometimes! But I have come a long way and no longer care about being accepted as I did then. I am me. I now have a very low tolerance for manipulation, passive-aggressiveness and control. I am pleased with my life, my husband and our own little world we enjoy. I am pleased that the girl I was then stopped existing by 2003.
I wish the me now could go back and slap myself and tell me to quit being a victim. I wish I could show her nothing is worth being in that situation. But I am also grateful for it. It clearly defined what I want, what I stand for, what I believe and most importantly... it taught me respect. It was years before I realized what a powerful lesson the whole situation was. Respecting yourself is not something that should ever be taken for granted.
The woman I am today admires authenticity, joy, humor, growth and a positive, loving spirit. I admire honesty and understand the importance of being present. Present in both relationships and as a human being. I am grateful daily and thank the Lord for everything and anything multiple times a day. I work to be positive in my thoughts and enthusiastic about every blessing. But the point is... I work. Constantly. Life is a journey that requires growth, appreciation and adaptation... and I am working every day to follow the path that has been written for me.
So cheers to the Bulldog Reunion in 2012 and all the journeys that brought us to where we are today.
Be careful of your thoughts,
For your thoughts become your words;
Be careful of your words,
For your words become your actions;
Be careful of your actions,
For your actions become your habits;
Be careful of your habits,
For your habits become your character;
Be careful of your character,
For your character becomes your destiny.
-Author Anonymous
For your thoughts become your words;
Be careful of your words,
For your words become your actions;
Be careful of your actions,
For your actions become your habits;
Be careful of your habits,
For your habits become your character;
Be careful of your character,
For your character becomes your destiny.
-Author Anonymous
